THE WAY TO HAPPINESS (continued)

Try to spot the two happy people (both female)

I often ask people whether they are happy. Not many people come up with the answer “Yes, I am.”

For 9 years, I have been studying what (internal and external) factors make people happy and how to get to that state of being. Happiness is really a western concept. Buddhists rather talk about contentment or better Enlightenment.

Enlightenment is a state of being when one understand that life is all about suffering and that it is better to overcome that suffering by cultivating ones mind in such a manner that external factors don’t bother you anymore.

Gandhi once said that extreme poverty and extreme wealth do not bring happiness. The Dalai Lama always talks about The Middle Way. Let’s elaborate about this for a minute.

When I was 24, I dreamed of owning my own condominium. I got my first mortgage at 25. It was a very nice three-room penthouse condominium with a river view. The first six months I was very happy, until I realized I would be happier if the bathroom was remodeled into something with black and white marble and a Japanese toilet. One month later I sat down on my Japanese toilet looking at the black and white marble and was very happy. This state of being lasted until I desired full automatic taps on both bath and sink. A year later, I made friends with someone who had a waterbed. A month later, I had my own waterbed and I was very happy. I thought the kitchen would look better without one wall, so I had it knocked down. It looked better, but suddenly the wall-to-wall carpet didn’t look good anymore. So I borrowed some money to have the entire condo fitted with parquet floors. Suddenly my furniture didn’t match that fancy floor and I bought new furniture and decided not to have a holiday for 4 years (as I couldn’t afford both). For the next 9 years, I never tended to be satisfied.

The building didn’t have an indoor parking garage and my two cars would always be parked outside. I was the proud owner of a 1954 Citroen Traction Avant and a 1982 Matra Murea sports car (a collector’s item that looks like a Ferrari). It cost me a fortune and I needed to work very hard to pay for all my material possessions and I skipped a few more trips abroad.

In 1999, a number of external and (lack of health) factors caused me to slide into a deep depression. In February 2000, I visited the hometown of the Dalai Lama in the Indian Himalayas and quickly learned that once you get something, you start dreaming about something better and bigger and there’s never an end in sight. So forget about material possessions. I sold everything I had or gave it away. I remained in India and lived a life similar to that of an average Tibetan refugee. Same type of room, same amount of material possessions (next to nothing), however, I allowed myself to buy a jeep. It occurred to me that travelling through the Himalayas for a number of years would generate a lot of exciting experiences. I was right. I had the jeep for 7 years and it was a lot of fun.

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I asked a poor Indian boy what would make him happy. He didn’t say: “I wish I had my own private jet plane, or a jeep.” Instead he said: “I am very thirsty, I wish I had some water to drink.”

So I gave him a glass of water. I refilled the glass a few times until he smiled and thanked me.

I asked a backpacker what would make him happy. He was drinking hot-lemon-ginger-honey in a Tibetan café. He didn’t say that he wanted a glass of water or a jet plane, no, he said he wanted to learn how to become a yoga teacher, as he hated his office job. I sent him to VJ further down the street (a very skilled yoga instructor.)

Over the years, I asked many people what they thought would make them happy, and I received many different answers.

I wish I were free from cancer.

I wish I could divorce my rich husband who beats me.

I wish I had a husband.

I wish I had a wife.

I wish I could walk.

I wish I had a car.

I wish I had more money.

I wish I didn’t worry so much about getting more money.

I wish I had a wheel chair for my mother.

I wish I knew the answer to how to get happy.

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I sent the last one to my Tibetan lama. I then asked my lama: what would make you happy?

“I am already happy,” was the answer.

So I asked him: “what is it that makes you happy?”

The lama answered, “A roof over my head, water to drink, food in my stomach and teaching unhappy people how to find enlightenment.”

Good answer.

Being satisfied with basic things such as water, food and a roof over your head, whether it be made of corrugated iron or slate, are good basics things, as without those basic things life would be a bitch. However, helping other people is something that does make you feel very good, especially when your help is being appreciated.

The lama lived in a small room that only had a single mattress on the floor. He owned some books, a poster on the wall depicting the Buddha, a few photos of the Dalai Lama and the monk robe he wore. A student of the lama gave him a mobile phone when Dharamsala got its mobile phone system in 2002. He had nobody to call so he gave the phone away.

Everything he owned fitted in a backpack. That is how I got the idea that I shouldn’t have more possessions than what would fit in a backpack. Today I still do not own more that 20 kg of personal possessions.

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More recently, in Thailand, I asked a few people about what they thought would make them happy. A tourist from Qatar desired a bigger plane and his palace full of Dutch masterpieces. He had people bidding on paintings at every auction in Europe and the USA.

I asked a young Thai male prostitute what would make him happy. He said he didn’t have enough clients to make ends meet. He would stand on a stage in his underwear in a gogo bar but the other boys had bigger penises and better looks. Low season in Thailand is very low this year and there aren’t enough old, fat, ugly men travelling to Thailand to take boys and girls off girly and boy bars, especially not when there are better looking girls and boys for rent. But really, would the boy be happy by having more sex with old, fat, ugly clients?

“So if you would have 3 clients a night and earn 3000 baht, would that make you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like what you do?”

“No. I am straight. I don’t like to masturbate on a stage or have sex with men but I have no education and my family needs the money. I can’t get a regular job as nobody wants to hire me. I can’t read or write and I have no other skills than what I do now. We’re hungry at home.”

He was very skinny indeed.

So the boy actually didn’t desire more clients, he desired food in his stomach and the stomachs of his family. He didn’t ask for a jet plane or a jeep, just food.

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I was wondering why my book Pantau in India became a best-seller in Holland and a failure in the USA. I realised I describe a road to happiness in that book that is opposite of the American Dream. Poor people who get a break and make it big is what Americans dream about. They admire such people. My book describes the story of a rich girl who gives everything up to live in a box in India. In Holland, people appreciated the story, applauded the change the girl made and the author was put on radio and television and appeared in newspapers and magazines until every Dutch person knew about Pantau in India.

I received many letters from readers. Two office workers with big jobs gave up their lives in Holland to start an orangutan sanctuary in Indonesia. A suicidal Japanese boy left Dharamsala after 6 months to start a yoga and meditation school in Tokyo. He’s doing fine. Thousands of Dutch and Belgium people started thinking about their lives and many of them made a change in one way or another. Some even moved abroad.

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Compared to Americans, Dutch people aren’t materialistic. They look down on people who stand out, who make it big, as they prefer all Dutch people to “be normal”. They have proverbs about how bad it is to stand out, to be rich, famous or whatever. There are entire villages with rich people that are frowned upon. The best Dutch people are happy with small houses with neat little gardens, a few bicycles and a bunch or real friends and six weeks of holidays a year. Most don’t seek more. Yet life can always be better, right?

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According to many studies the Dutch and Danes are the happiest people in the world. I would add the Bhutanese people to that list. They even have a Ministry of Happiness in Bhutan. The Dutch do complain a lot though, especially about the congested country that is the size of Bangkok and the bad weather, but give them a heat wave and they start complaining about the sun and the heat. If I have something to complain about my people, I would say they should stop complaining and be happy and grateful with what they have. I always think (go and live in India in a box and then tell me your lives aren’t good!).

Happiness is a state of mind. It’s about how one perceive things. Obviously, accumulating material possessions is not the road to happiness. Americans rank very low on the happiness chart.

I know a bunch of rich, famous American people who are terribly unhappy and end up in rehab on a regular basis, or just die before their age. Americans tend to focus on the things they don’t have rather than appreciating the things they have. Go to India with a backpack for 6 months, return to America and you’ll appreciate running water from your tab and you’ll stop thinking about having a bigger car, bigger house or bigger job.

Moderation is a good ingredient to gain a state of contentment. Be grateful with what you have. Be grateful that you don’t need to earn your money by standing on a stage masturbating and then intercourse old fat ugly pigs and pretend that you like it.

If one cultivates ones mind and learn how to overcome their suffering they are on the road to enlightenment. Learn how to appreciate the things you have, because one day, you won’t have anything left, not even your life. If you can walk, be grateful that you can. If you don’t have cancer or any other disease, be grateful that you’re healthy. If you’re obese, do something about it! Eat healthy and exercise. If you have a car, be grateful that you have a car and stop thinking about that flashier car. I would even suggest to consider giving up on most material things, as the more you have, the more you need to worry about.