I was all alone at home this morning when I walked into my bathroom. I went about my usual routine of having a shower and sticking my Braun Oral B toothbrush into my face. I was expecting a friend of mine to come over any moment to pick me up with his vintage Vespa Scooter with sidecar, as we had made plans to run some errands for his home. Driving a scooter in Bangkok is practical, but also dangerous, and worse of all: your skin gets exposed to the sun, which is not a good thing for a Caucasian resident in Thailand. Thai people prefer the looks of a white skin hence I do anything I can to stay as white as possible (yet I keep telling people that I don’t care what people think of me).
After my refreshing shower I smeared myself full of Nivea Waterproof Sun block Factor 60, which feels like a mix of KY and coconut oil.
I feel a strong dislike for Factor 60 sun block as it remains gluey and sticky and it makes you sweat like a pig, but it’s better to be sticky and sweaty than getting a tan in Thailand. However, creative as I am I realised that I can lessen the stickiness by powdering myself abundantly with Nivea Beautiful Baby Face Magic Whitening Powder (which often comes in the colour pink with strawberry scent, to make things worse).
When I reached for the bottle of this pearl pinkish/white talcum powder next to the sink, I noticed that there was a very large blob of “black” next to it. I had a closer look at the blob and realised that about a zillion ants were in the process of moving a giant dead Thai cockroach to their nest. I know I have an ant nest in the power socket on the right of the bathroom sink and I also realised that these ants weren’t able to take the cockroach inside their nest (stupid ants!). It’s impossible to park a Mercedes in a garage designed for a Smart Car, right? So how were they supposed to get the cockroach inside a power socket?
The thing is: I don’t mind ants as much as cockroaches, dead or alive. For some reason, it brings about all my female reflexes. So I started screaming. My friend with the Vespa scooter is a gay male, and the moment I started screaming he rang the doorbell. I let him in, informed him about the bathroom disaster, and all his female reflexes were set off. So now there were two people screaming and shivering like little girls. The dead cockroach was moving an inch per minute. Finally I determined that between me and my gay friend, I was the one with the most testosterone, so it was me who disposed of the dead body and a zillion ants. Taking food away from ants makes them angry thus I left the house as quickly as possible while using the Fuck-word more often than is expected from Miss Holy Person. I went with my gay friend straight to TESCO to fill our shopping cart with anything available to kill ants and other insects.
Currently I am meditating on the fact why I still feel so scared of cockroaches and how much bad karma I have created today. After living in India for 7 years, I expected to have built up enough mental power to overcome any fear of wildlife with six or more legs. Interestingly, I have no problems with giant scarab beetles the size of a hand. I just pick them up with my hands and put them outside. I am even okay with giant spiders, praying mantises, snakes, crocodiles and scorpions.
My gay friend told me he himself was in girl-screaming-mode the previous day when he tried to step into his running shoes that were parked outside (no good thing to bring shoes inside Thai houses). His right foot didn’t go all the way into the shoe. There was something inside the shoe the size of an amphibian. And indeed, there was a toad inside his shoe. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!
This is definitely not the way to happiness.
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My cat is twenty years old; she just would have watchhed the ants and sniffed at the cockroach.
ReplyDeleteAs to why insects bother us so much is a topic would give any neo-freudian a career writing papers. As long as they're not near my bed, I leave them alone.
Joel,
ReplyDeleteAnts both irritate and fascinate me. I have studied ants for 9 years now and I applaud them.
We just shared a fish meal with them (we tend to eat sitting on the floor when eating). I must say we intentionally use white bedding, as it is easier to spot insects on white sheets. The bed is surrounded by a line of chalk, as ants don't cross chalk.
Your cat is really old! My Siamese cat was born in 1989 and left in the excellent care of my parents since 1990, as I couldn't take care of him myself. Siamese need constant attention and affection. My retired parents loved him (probably more than they love me). The cat died last year after a beautiful life.
I guess my cat thinks I'm really smart for a human. I know "feed me", "pet me" and "No, It's too cold to go outside" (I must disappoint her by not being able to rectify that!). She seems to be losing her hearing and is a little thin despite the expensive cat food I buy for her but otherwise seems to be doing quite well.
ReplyDeleteBless you and your cat.
ReplyDeletethank you so much!
ReplyDelete