THE THAI TOILET

I went over to a friend’s house yesterday.
“Hi sweetie, can I take a photo of your toilet?”
“What? Why would you want to do that?”
“I want to show foreigners who read my web log what our Thai toilets look like.”
“But your toilet looks nicer than mine.”
“Yeah, but I am not going to show people my toilet. Too personal.”
“Too personal?”
“Yeah, I use my toilet for very personal matters. If people can see where I do these personal matters, I breach my policy of not posting anything too private online.”
“You are so completely totally overwhelmingly incredibly… strange, you Dutch woman!”
“Why?”
“Because I read your books and you don’t care about sharing the most private matters with the world. Now you tell me that a photo of your toilet is too personal?”
“Yes.”
He shook his head. “Mad woman!”
“I know. Can I go upstairs and take a photo of your western style toilet? I don’t want people to think that I am using Thai squatting toilets at home, like the one you have downstairs. Actually I don’t know how to use them without soiling myself, the floor, the door or the wall.”
“What is your problem with squatting toilets?”
“I don’t like them. Somehow I don’t pee straight down when I squat. It goes a bit to the left and the front. If I squat slightly next to a squatting toilet and aim at 10 o’clock I may get it right, but that’s too much trouble for me. So I prefer the western toilets with the Thai shower. I am actually more interested in showing my readers a photo of the shower than the toilet. I think the Thai toilet shower is the best invention in history.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Since I have lived in Asia I haven’t used toilet paper. But in India you need to use a bottle or can of water to clean your vagina or anus, but the Thais have this fantastic shower-thingy. When farang have lived in Thailand for a while and have given up on toilet paper, they too fall in love with the shower-thingy. I am not alone in this. My western friends, male and female, also fell in love with the Thai toilet shower and can’t live without no more either. After a while you cannot understand how westerners can use toilet paper. So gross. To wipe your arse or dry off a pussy with paper? Yuck! I felt so dirty during my trip to Holland last month. I missed a toilet shower. No, the Thai toilet shower refreshes you after you pee or have a shite. Throughout the day you’re clean, refreshed, you’re without smelly or sweaty private parts, especially very practical in a hot climate in a country full of hot men where you can expect oral sex at any time.”
“You farang people are indeed crazy. And particularly you. But I like to hear that you love our toilets.”
“Yes, and what I also like about Thailand is that you male guys sit on a toilet facing the wall after peeing to rinse off your penis with the shower thingy.”
“Don’t western men clean their penises after peeing?”
“Very few use a bit a toilet paper to get rid of that last drop. I had lots of discussions with Americans about circumcision and why I don’t like it. They say: hygiene. I always answer: non-American boys understand hygiene and they wash their penises every day, you dirty Americanos! No need to mutilate the body. It’s against Nature. God created human kind perfectly, including foreskin. It’s like saying: God, we love your creations, but you created too much. So can I take a picture of your toilet shower, as I think I get too personal if I show people a photo of my own toilets.”
“Crazy woman. Okay then. And yes, I agree with you. I love my foreskin. We don’t need lube when jerking. These poor Americans, Jews and Muslims.”
“Chai na ka. Chan rak foreskin. What is foreskin in passathai?”