DRESSED IN WHITE

Struggling with my shawl in the wind.

Finally a recent experience, rather than something I experienced during my years in India (February 2000 – October 2006).

Please note that if you find the first paragraphs a bit boring, be aware that it gets funnier towards the end.

(Some background information first, please stay with me).

In Thailand lay people (often) dress in white on special occasions, exempli gratia when they are going to a temple for a special ceremony. This is also (often) the case in India. It might be a white polo shirt and white trousers, a long white skirt and a white blouse. However, no one really dresses in white during other occasions. I guess white is difficult to keep spotless, especially in India where mud, dust, vomit, feces and urine tend to fly through the air and shmutz your clothes.

White expresses the concept of purity. In Thailand Buddhist monks dress in a kind of orange habit (I’m colour blind), leaving the naked right shoulder exposed. Their robes are often torn, expressing the fact that they do not care about impressing people with a perfect new outfit. New habits are often damaged before they start wearing them.
Thai nuns dress in a white skirt, a white blouse with long sleeves and a white shawl, wrapped around their body covering the left shoulder and back, pulled underneath the right armpit, covering the chest and then thrown over the left shoulder again. Both Thai monks and nuns have shaved heads, including facial hair, including eyebrows, yes, I say again: including eyebrows. This unlike Tibetan monks who often allow themselves to grow their hair a bit longer (perhaps 5 mm to 1 cm, especially in winter when one does not want their heads to freeze off their necks). They don’t have to shave their eyebrows and some even sport a beard or moustache.

Now the idea of ridding oneself of hair has all to do with becoming less attractive (id est: in a sexual way). Ordained Thais are supposed to have no physical attractiveness. A man or woman without hair and eyebrows doesn’t look sexy (at least that is what one thinks overhere and I must say; I agree). When I lived in the Himalayas, I often encountered hot-looking Tibetan monks with beautiful eyebrows. Unlike with Tibetan monks, as a woman you cannot touch Thai monks or invite them into your room for a conversation. Thank you Jesus that I got that information on Thai-monk-customs shortly after arriving in Thailand, as I am a very touchy person. I hug and kiss, hold hands, put my hands on people’s legs, ruffle the hair on their scalps, to name a few means of my touching behaviour. In Thailand it is not even an acceptable thing to touch anyone’s scalp, unless you’re a physician or a hairdresser. You don’t even pat a cute little kid on the head. The crown of the scalp is considered the most sacred part of the body; the feet the least. When I am upset with a Thai person I love to say: "Be careful, pumpkin, I feel the need to touch the crown of your head with the sole of my left foot!"
In the Himalayas, I had often Tibetan monks coming to my room for spiritual or other types of conversations (without a chaperone present). It wasn’t a problem in Tibetan Buddhism for a lay woman to be friends with Tibetan monks, to shake their hands or briefly touch them on the shoulder. However, sex is not allowed for ordained Tibetans, not with each other, nor with lay people, nor by means of the do-it-yourself version. Also, not all monks live in monasteries and I was allowed to visit them in their rooms too. Please note that I, of course, never had any inappropriate relations with ordained people.

Me sitting totally inappropriately dressed next to a befriended Thai monk

in the holy city of Ayuttaya.
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Ordained male and female Tibetans dress in the same style maroon-red robes, including a skirt, a vest, and maroon or yellow shawl. They even have their accessories in maroon, such as their shoulder bags, bagpacks, suitcases, their socks, their mobile phones, Ipods, etcetera. If you know the Dalai Lama and recalls how he dresses, you know what I am talking about. I especially loved it when he showed up at the White House to meet Mr. Bush, walking up the steps on some old plastic flip-flops (very likely 'Made in China'). Love it! Ain’t the Dalai Lama a wonderful man? Love him!

Tibetan Monks debating ouside the Dalai Lama Temple

In India, most yogis (male) and yoginis (female) aspire to always dress in white. At this point I am surprised that I spend so many words on looks and clothes. Oy vey! People who experience me in real life know that I don’t give a holy coconut about my own or other people's appearance, unless I desire (or am expected) to look fiercely hot when I go out dancing at some fancy gay club in Silom, Bangkok.
I am a yogini, and a yogini has a steadfast mind, cultivated by the disciplined pursuit of transcendence through Yoga. Tantric scholars have written about yoginis as independent, outspoken women with a gracefulness of spirit without whom Yoga can fail in its purpose and remain sterile. So, I consider myself a yogini, even when I am dancing in a pair of low-waist skinny jeans and black bra on a gay gogo-stage in Bangkok.

In a 2001 newspaper interview I stated that, despite my interest in Buddhism and living in a mostly monastic Tibetan community, I didn’t feel the need to convert to Buddhism. However, shortly after the interview was published, I decided to change my mind and take my vows. I wasn’t ordained as a Tibetan nun, but I did take my 5 basic Buddhist (Bodhisattva) vows: no killing, stealing, lying, sexual misconduct, drugs and alcohol.

Okay, to make a long story short, after taking my initial 5 vows, a Tibetan monk handed over to me a book with about every Buddhist vow one can vow. I believe there were over 250 things that one can vow. Studying the book and all these vows, I thought, “I could do that. I could aspire to act according to at least 168 of these 250-plus vows. The first 10 vows being:

1. Not to kill any living creature
2. Not to steal anything
3. Not to engage in any form of sexual misconduct
4. Not to lie or use false speech
5. Not to consume or distribute intoxicants
6. Not to discuss the faults and misdeeds that occur by any Buddhist
7. Not to praise oneself or disparage others
8. Not to be stingy or abusive towards those in need
9. Not to harbor anger or resentment or encourage others to be angry
10. Not to criticise or slander the Three Jewels: (Buddha, Buddhist teachings (Dharma) and Buddhist community (Sangha).

Believe me, the other 158 vows are way more intricate and difficult to adhere to. They are more about what TO DO, rather than what NOT TO DO.

So I shlepped myself back to the Tsuglakhang (Dalai Lama Temple) with the intention to take 168 vows as a lay-person. And believe me, my dear reader, ever since, I have taken my vows very, very seriously. This doesn’t mean I am always able to adhere to every single one of them, but at least I try my utmost to do so. I confess: I have killed Thai ants and Indian malaria mosquitos, but I always apologised immediately. I have had a few beers in Bangkok, but I always looked up to the sky with the pint of beer in my left hand and my right hand on my heart and said "Cheers" to the universe. I have smoked cigarettes in India, even a spliff or two (okay maybe three or four), and I have accidentally stolen plastic lighters from friends (Why do people's lighters always end up in my handbag?). But I do not lie and use false speech and I never engaged in sexual misconduct, as far as I am aware of. My lama doesn't really like to talk about sex, so I have no idea what is considered inappropriate. However, as long as I see a big smile on my sexual partner's face and his penis looks happy, I think I am not misconducting anything.

But seriously, my vows are at the centre of every thought I have, every word I say, every action I take. Having taken these vows and living the life of a Bodhisattva is not for selfish reasons. These vows are made out of compassion for others. The Bodhisattva devotes his/her powers to helping others attain enlightenment. (Boring? Well keep on reading, it gets better).

In India I practically always dressed in my white yogini robe, but in the streets of Bangkok, I hardly ever do so. However, since Monday I dress in my white yogini outfit between sunrise and sunset. In Thailand, this yogini robe is actually considered the habit of an ordained Theravada Buddhist nun. Thai people tend to be a little surprised to see me (a westerner) dressed in such a nun’s-robe, especially when they notice that I haven’t shaved my head, nor my eyebrows. I have long hair, and whenever I wear my habit in Thailand, I will pull my hair up and make a knot on top of my scalp. Good enough for me.

But why do I feel the need to dress like that? Well, I’ll explain. I have had a few rough weeks behind me dealing with some nasty people. During this period I sometimes felt the urge to express myself with angry words (but didn't). When you’re dressed in jeans and T-shirt and you’re having a dispute with an arsehole, it is easier to use the Fuck-word, or say 'bloody Jesus' than when you’re having the outer appearance of a Bodhisattva (in other words: when you’re dressed as a nun). It just doesn’t appear correct if a monk, nun, priest, pope, lama or yogi goes about the streets shouting and swearing. I must say I never shout, I am never angry at people, but people sometimes disappoint me, including myself. But I hate to admit that I love the ‘bitch’ and ‘fuck’-words, which I really, really attempt to replace with the words 'pumpkin' and 'coconut' as often as possible. For example, I would say: “What the coconut was he thinking when doing that?” instead of: “What the fuck was he thinking when doing that?” or: “I cannot believe that that coconutting rectum dares to treat me so badly!” instead of: "I cannot believe that that fucking arsehole dares to treat me so badly," or: “Oh, coconut Lord, I can’t believe he’s such a pumpkin!” instead of: “Oh, fucking Jesus, I can’t believe he’s such a bitch!”

One thing I need to explain to you: Like Kathy Griffin, I am a fallen Catholic. She (quote) fell so far, she woke up in Beijing (unquote), and I myself fell so far I woke up next door to the Dalai Lama atop a mountain in the Himalayas. And, as Kathy Griffin said in her show (I believe it was Suck it Jesus); “No one swears or uses the Lord’s name in vain more than Catholics.”
This is actually something written in Exodus 20:7: “Thy shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.”
And believe me, there where moments in olden times that I would rant things such as: "Goddammit, son of bitch from hell, Jesus Holy Christ hanging on the cross. Pontius Pilate Peter Paul Mary Magdalene and the Holy Ghost and all the other apostles etcetera etcetera!"
(Yeah, I know; I am losing some fine God-fearing readers at this point, but what the coconut; I can’t please every pumpkin).

Now I have my own ideas about God and how we talk about Her. Personally, I believe that when one uses the Lady’s name in vain, She’s laughing her head off, because it is the Lord herself that is speaking in this manner. Why? Well, I believe that all of us combined make up the thing that we call God. We are small pieces of intelligence or consciousness making up that bigger smart entity that many people refer to as God. Thus, if I say Fuck, it is a part of God saying Fuck. I sometimes disappoint myself too, thus it is God who feels disappointed about himself as well. Because our dear God is Everything and we are God. God is not separate from us, a seperate entity that is angry and revengeful and punishes human beings whenever they do something that is not permitted in the Bible. No, God is US and, like us, It has many faces; She is good and evil, She is male and He is female, It is transgender, a cross-dresser, gay and straight, human-like, animal-like, plant-like, and mineral-like. God is Everything. And as God created us in Its likeness, I assume that whatever it is we think, feel, say or do, it is God-like, no matter what. That is just the way things are. It just is. Whether some thoughts, words and actions are beneficial to the world is a different story. And that is why I love God. Amen.

Leading a group of elderly women in Surat thani, Thailand with Yoga exercises

These days I wear white shawls, but not when giving Yoga classes.

Hence, when I dress in white and go about in public as a yogini, I am aware that people view me as a Bodhissatva. More than at any other time I am completely focused on what I think, say or do. My white outfit helps me to be aware that I need to be a compassionate, wise and a helpful living sentient being and should not go about in public, or even in the privacy of my own home, swearing and being angry or acting not as a Bodhisattva. So my white outfit helps me to be good.

One more thing.
Some people, especially those who do not know me very well, sometimes tell me that they experience me as a self-centred person. I do agree to a certain extend that this is one of my many flaws. Especially when I don’t know people very well I tend to talk more about myself, rather than showing interest in the other person. Perhaps this has more to do with my being an anti-social geek, rather than self-centred. I don’t understand why my brain has been wired in this particular manner; why I have to a certain extend developed into a self-centred person. I assume it has to do with the fact that I was an only child for most of my childhood and, as a child, had very few friends in the Netherlands. In China one calls this behaviour The Little Emperor Syndrome.

However, I know that I have warm, intimate, close relationships with platonic friends that are completely the opposite; that I am the one who’s always listening, showing interest, asking questions, gathering information, and talking practically never about myself. Interestingly, I often listen a lot better to folks that are interesting people who can actually teach me something, or at least entertain me. Every day I tell myself I am just a simple and humble person (but) with exceptional experiences.
Some time ago I saw an old interview with Barbra Streisand, who is, next to the Dalai Lama, my main role model. The interviewer told Ms Streisand that he didn’t like her very much, as he thought she was self-centred and self-absorbed. Ms Streisand started crying and asked the cameraperson to stop filming her. She later responded to the interviewer on camera that he was asking her personal questions about her and her work and that she was just answering those questions. She found his remark not fair and resented the fact that he had called her self-centred and self-absorbed. I cried when seeing that interview and related to Ms Streisand’s pain.
As a writer who has been asked to publish two autobiographic novels with about 800 pages of personal experiences, and being interviewed over and over again about those books and my personal experiences, it is hard not to talk about myself. I even think I actually tried my best in my autobiographies to often shift the focus from myself towards the people that I encountered during my life, presenting myself as the observer rather than the object of interest.
I am the first one to admit that I am not perfect. I have my flaws. I am highly self-analytical and I do meditate on my flaws, my shortcomings, and I do so on a daily basis. I often speak with other people who are part of the Sangha-community, discussing how to better myself, how to improve myself, how to become a better Bodhisattva.

I often apologise to people for my flaws. In return I always forgive people if they ask me to forgive them. Likewise, I forgive myself too, because I do love myself unconditionally, with flaws and all.

I would like to conclude this monologue with my favourite prayer. I heard it the first time spoken by His Holiness the Dalai Lama's interpreter in English at the end of one of many Buddhist teachings he has been giving in the USA. The thousands of people in the stadium prayed along with the Dalai Lama and, as is tradition, the prayer was repeated three times.

Here we go.

“With the wish to free all beings, I shall always go for refuge to the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, until I reach full enlightenment.
Enthused by wisdom and compassion, today, in the presence of the Buddha, I generate the mind for full awakening for the benefit of all sentient beings.
As long as space remains, as long as sentient beings remain, may I too remain, and dispel the miseries of the world.” (x 3)

May peace prevail on Earth and may all sentient beings find happiness.

I bless you all.

Pantau

PS. (When I say or write: "I bless you", some people consider me arrogant. They say: shouldn't you say: "May God bless you?". I always explain to them that I never do so for three reasons:

1. I am not the spokesperson for GOD.

2. As a third degree Reiki Master, my Grand Master has initiated me and given me the power to bless.

3. As a yogini and bodhissatva I have the power to bless.